Hand me Samoa Cookies

January is like one big reset button. It’s a time to throw out the eggnog and grab a coconut water. Gyms become life-size sardine cans with eager people dying to start their new exercise routines.  For one month, America decides it is done being the obesity capital of the world and swears its allegiance to kale. That is, until the Girl Scouts get involved. Every January they roll out their wagons and terrorize the world with sickeningly cute faces and villainous cookies.

Once they are out, you can’t escape them. Like setting up at every grocery store, post office, and DMV in the country wasn’t enough, now you can fuel your darkest cookie desires through online ordering. That means Girl Scouts now take credit cards, meaning the foolproof “Sorry, I don’t have any cash” excuse is dead.

With their cute faces and pushy parents, it is impossible to tell them no. Telling a girl scout you won’t buy their cookies is like kicking a puppy. Not only will you feel incredibly guilty, but the town moms will gossip about you for days to come.

It’s not like you don’t want to support their dreams of being a young entrepreneur, it’s just that if you buy one more box of Thin Mints you won’t be able to fit in your pants the next morning. Not to mention, the cookies are alarmingly good. What about these cookies makes it so effortless to eat an entire box in a night? I mean there is no other reasonable explanation other than crack, or maybe just lots of sugar.

Either way Girl Scouts are slowly fattening up America cookie by cookie, and if this isn’t a modern-day Hansel and Gretel story, I don’t know what is.